Being good enough- we hear it everywhere now. But what does it mean? What does it mean to be confident, love yourself, and accept yourself just the way you are?
How can we do it if we constantly perceive ourselves through the lenses of our past? We look at ourselves through the mirror and what do we see? A shadow. Someone. Reflection of the Avatar we have created as a result of our belief in ourselves. But is the image even true? Who are you? What do you want? Such a simple question but it seems that many of us struggle with it.
We are constantly trying to be someone society expects us to be. We are constantly trying to meet someone’s expectations, to fit in the norms of normal, to build a life that everyone will be approving, and to have a sense of belonging.
Sense of belonging
As children, we all wanted to be loved and given love. We wanted someone to care for us, teach us, love us and help us find out who we are. But that never happened. We have grown up in an environment where we had to learn how to behave to survive, we were pushing our emotions down, so we could feel somehow safe. We quickly learnt that we need to please others to feel safe and good.
We had to neglect our own needs, because sometimes it was more important to survive, even if it meant that we had to abandon ourselves.
Life lessons
From the early stages, we learnt so much about the survival mode. We learnt that our emotions don’t really matter, no one wants to hear about it, and our sadness or tears make people uncomfortable. We learned that anger is a “bad” emotion and is not acceptable.
We learnt that to have friends we had to act like others. We had to be smart enough but not too much because we couldn’t be perceived as the nerd. We had to look certain ways, speak certain ways, and have some confidence, but not too much because they would not like that either, and if you showed no confidence- you were bullied.
Everything we did had to be according to somebody else’s expectations. We learnt that controversial opinions are not safe. If you showed the least minimum of difference- you were marked with deep scare of shame. You were carrying the shame as your label.
We also became masters at secret keepers. We learned to not speak about any problematic situations. We learnt not to speak if the truth is not comfortable. we were carrying the burden of truth- the truth that was put on us- and we never had a choice to experience it or not. It felt like a part of the deal. Yet the same truth- our truth- we cannot release because it involves others. So, you keep it, to protect others, while once again you abandon yourself.
The price
The price you pay for carrying on the past is way too high. Because you pay it every single day. The price you pay impacts you every day, but it is so subtle and so normal that you don’t even pay attention to it. It became part of your life. It became part of who you are.
Every day when you push your emotions, and don’t allow yourself to feel what your body wants to feel- you pay the price. Suppressed emotions always come back, later, in a much uglier form.
Every day when someone hurts you, and you say nothing, you don’t set boundaries- you pay the price. By not giving yourself a voice, you are making yourself feel invisible and not important.
When someone asks you to do something for them, but it is not convenient for you and you still agree to do it- you pay the price. Every time you don’t set a boundary, you reject and disrespect yourself.
You have dreams that you completely abandoned, you don’t talk about them nor do you do anything to make them happen- you pay the price. By losing hope and living a life that doesn’t fulfil you, you will become a very unhappy person.
You never give your opinions, you never say what you want, you never really are invisible in your presence- you pay the price. Believing in your lack of confidence will result in a lack of self-belief and lack of self-trust.
The safe game
We are used to playing it safe. We are used to living a very safe life. We prise safety and survival mode over anything else. Safety is the mantra of the matrix we call life. Safety is the place you lock your true self in. Safety is where you create the avatar of yourself. Safety is what rules your life- because the fear of losing your safety paralyses you. Stepping out of your comfort zone panics you. Safety…
We thrive for safety rather than excitement.
We thrive for safety rather than love.
We thrive for safety rather than our dreams.
We thrive for safety rather than confidence.
We strive for safety rather than curiosity about what’s possible.
We strive for safety rather than a discovery of life.
Conclusion
Growing up safety became more important than being yourself. Safety became more important than exploring life. Safety became our subconscious mantra, like a prison for our potential, for our authentic selves.
In safety, we lock our dreams, our desires, our personalities, our souls, our love, our emotions. Safety is a cage that we don’t see anything beyond it. We became blind to who we really are. We stopped listening to our hearts. We stopped listening to our soul, and as a result, we felt very isolated, disconnected, and lonely on this journey.
The truth is until you come back to your true self and you will allow yourself to feel your emotions (your pain that comes from the truth), you will not be a free person.
You will be locked in that cage forever, unseen, unheard, missed, and unhappy… if you won’t permit yourself to be yourself, despite of the fear of being your authentic self. Because when you stop abandoning yourself, you will never feel lonely again.
And that is what I deeply wish for you- to have to courage to be yourself, whatever that means to you.
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Great article Sylwia, I can easily relate to these scenarios. Another lesson for full recovery, thank you x