Introduction
How many times have you heard the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? How many times have you said it to yourself in moments of struggle? But is it really true? What does it mean, and how can we relate to it?
In reality, it’s not so simple. What doesn’t kill you might leave you feeling broken, lost, insecure, afraid, fragile, vulnerable, or damaged. It might shake you to your core. While leaving you questioning who you are and where you’re going. The events that try to break us don’t make us stronger—not immediately. Instead, they give us a choice, an opportunity to heal, to look inward, and to see aspects of ourselves we hadn’t known existed. They offer valuable lessons, showing us paths to resilience and self-understanding. Through healing, strength is built, not directly from the pain, but from our response to it.
Let’s dive deeper into this topic. To do that, let me tell you a story…
A Story of Survival and Resilience
Imagine a young girl who, from a very early age, felt completely alone. She sensed herself to be a burden to her mother and strove to be the “good child” so her mother would have a little less to worry about. She never voiced her problems, and never sought comfort, because she felt she couldn’t. By the age of seven, she’d already seen too much, and knew too much—she’d been forced to grow up long before her time. She held her struggles inside, never sharing them, because survival left no time for self-reflection.
As she grew older, her mother labelled her a “difficult child” whenever she expressed her own opinions. She learned that she had to be compliant and silent to be loved.
Also, imagine a girl whose father’s love was conditional. He would only acknowledge her if she looked a certain way, earned perfect grades, and met every expectation without fail. She was never allowed to let her guard down, never allowed to show vulnerability, thus her father’s approval was always just out of reach. She learned to anticipate his desires, keeping herself a few steps ahead to avoid the hurt of rejection.
Picture a girl who was bullied at school and felt like an outsider her entire life. She was often excluded, mocked, and dismissed. But even in her isolation, she became protective of others, never allowing anyone else to be bullied in her presence. Though she had no one to protect her, she committed herself to being a protector.
Shame
For this girl, shame was a frequent companion. She felt ashamed of who she was, ashamed of her circumstances, and ashamed of her inability to meet the impossible standards set by the world around her. She learned to swallow shame, to hide it, and to present a brave face to survive. She learnt to cope with it, to the extent that no one would think she even is capable of feeling it. She suppressed the shame as much as it was needed for her to survive- with the mantra in her head “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…
Survival’s Consequences
She never questioned anything; she never asked, “Why me?” She never tried to change the people around her. Instead, she was accepting and observant. She was learning to survive, learning about this world. She didn’t understand why those things were happening. She didn’t understand any of it. But once she learned the basics of survival—“the game was on.”
If she wanted something, she learned how to get it. She learned how to be independent. She never gave up on her desires. One of her survival coping mechanisms was to dream. She dreamed of a different reality, a beautiful life. A life she could fall in love with. Her favourite story was Cinderella. She learned never to give up…
Survival left its mark. As a result, this girl grew up to be a woman who:
- Felt deeply insecure
- Wore a mask of perfectionism
- Sought to please others to be thought of as “good”
- Hated making mistakes and struggled to forgive herself
- Kept others at a distance, not trusting easily
- Was honest and open, feeling she had nothing to lose
- Could cut people out of her life with little hesitation
- Sought validation from others
- Believed she had to fight for everything she wanted, as nothing came easily
Yet, these experiences also helped her become a woman who:
- Appreciates the small things in life
- Loves deeply, with all her heart and soul
- Is loyal, understanding the sting of betrayal
- Believes in things beyond logic
- Trusts her intuition
- Embraces her instincts
So, what doesn’t kill you will not make you stronger at first! What doesn’t kill you will show you what you need to heal, change, and transform into something good. What doesn’t kill you, yes, it will break you into a million pieces. It will leave you in a state of shock and unbelievable hurt… You will feel as though something has been taken away from you, and you will feel like you won’t be able to get up again—until you do.
The Resilience of Human Life
Humans have a remarkable ability to process, adapt, and transform through even the most difficult experiences. Life isn’t always easy. There will be challenges and setbacks, obstacles and heartbreaks. But each difficulty can become an opportunity to shed what no longer serves us and move closer to our authentic selves. Life can feel like an emotional roller coaster, but every experience has a purpose. There are no coincidences; either we’ve attracted these experiences through our energy (law of resonance), or our souls have chosen them as a path for growth.
No matter what you’ve been through, remember that it doesn’t define you. You are more powerful than your past. Use your experiences as a guide toward healing, allowing them to lead you back to your true self.
So, whatever happened to you, whatever your past is—don’t let it be bigger than you are. You don’t realize how powerful you really are inside until you allow yourself to experience that!
Whatever happened to you, use it—let it guide you on your healing journey. Let it guide you home, to your soul…
Overcoming Ego and Embracing Self
I recently saw a video where someone expressed their frustration with the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Although it made me think deeply about its meaning. Because for many years, it was my mantra too, a phrase I clung to in dark times. Moreover, that phrase gave me hope, a sense of inner strength, and a reason to keep going. It allowed me to believe that I was strong. I needed it, and for that, I’m grateful.
However, we shouldn’t shame others for their beliefs or the mantras that help them survive. There is no freedom in judgment, no peace in conditional acceptance. If “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” feels triggering, it may be worth exploring why.
Trust yourself. Learn to connect with your intuition and your inner self. Moreover, don’t fear the possibility of being hurt; it’s a natural part of the human experience. As a collective, we are learning about unconditional love, breaking free from patterns that have been handed down for generations, and finding the way to our hearts and souls. This journey, while challenging, is also beautiful and transformative.
You don’t need to change for others, but growing and evolving for yourself is essential. You are on a path of your own choosing—trust it.
The final message
You can’t find freedom if you are shaming others. You can’t find peace in these conditions. You can’t find love in fear…
Trust yourself, find your way to your intuition, find your way to yourself. However, don’t be afraid of getting hurt—this is an inevitable part of being human. We need to learn as a collective. We need to learn about unconditional love. We need to heal what hasn’t been healed for decades. We need to find our way to our hearts and souls. When you do this with trust, it becomes a unique and incredible journey!
You don’t have to change for others, but you do need to grow and evolve for yourself. You have already chosen your path—trust it.
With love,
Sylwia